- A new study shows that you're MEAN to ugly people even if you don't realize it. No wonder I've been punched in the face three times already this morning.
- A day care worker in Ohio has been arrested for putting drugs in kid's PANCAKES to make them go to sleep. Similarly, I've been slipping drugs into MY pancakes . . . but that's just because I dig the hallucinations.
- The spokesman for Men's Wearhouse, George Zimmer, has been FIRED. He held the job since 1986. Unemployment: you're gonna like the way you look.
- Research shows that losing weight can help improve your MEMORY. Really? If that's true then why does Jared from Subway keep forgetting he's a huge douche?
- 12% of people say it's okay for men to use EYELINER. What about a pair of 6-inch red stilettos and a bootie shorts? I'm asking for a friend.
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