PODCAST: Jubal's Open Letter
SteveBoyd -- 05/04/2011
Who didn't see this coming? Jubal's Open Letter this week is to no other than, Osama Bin Laden! Instead of going off about how evil he was, or what he had done, Jubal decides to remind him of the hell he's in store for. If you've ever taken someone's vcard, you'll understand. Dear Osama Bin Laden: I hope you're enjoying your first few days in hell. Honestly, it feels strange to me to celebrate any kind of death, but seeing as you danced on the grave of so many innocent people, it seems appropriate. I'm not going to spend this whole letter spouting pro American, "screw you terrorists" rhetoric. I want to address one issue. You and your clan of evildoers believe that when you die as a martyr you go to heaven and get 72 virgins all to yourself. How's that working out for you? While I guarantee you aren't in heaven, I have no doubt that you've been awarded those 72 virgins. Trust me, if anyone has ever taken someone's V-card will tell you, THAT is hell. You've been sentenced to an eternity of awkward, bad sex followed by irrational clinginess. I can only imagine the constant phone calls you're going to receive from virgin number 24 asking if you "still love her" or text messages from virgin 7 wondering why you aren't calling her back. Just wait until virgin 10 catches you talking to virgin 45 and they get in a fight. You're going to have to spend all night trying to convince them that "it's you, not them". Ruining sex for 72 women? That's a punishment that no man in their right mind would ever want to endure. If you were really as smart as your followers thought you were you wouldn't have asked for 72 virgins, you would've asked for ONE girl who's been with 72 dudes. Now THAT'S what I would call heaven. Goodbye for good you evil bastard. May your forever be filled with needy, bad-in-the-sack virgins, a roommate named Adolph and Justin Beiber on repeat. Sincerely, Jubal P.S. I think Matt Stone and Trey Parker said it best when they said, "America, F#@K yeah!"